“It’s Not Giving In—It’s Letting Them In”: What Accommodation Really Means When Raising a Neurodivergent Child

When I accommodate my child, people think I’m being too soft. Too permissive. Too indulgent. Too weak.

To them, it looks like I’m giving my child everything they want. Like I’m just trying to avoid conflict. Like I’m being manipulated by a little person who “needs discipline, not excuses.”

But what they see and what I see are two very different realities.

Because they don’t see why I do what I do. They don’t see the struggle behind the meltdown.They don’t see the fear behind the refusal. They don’t see the child fighting with their brain and body just to exist in a world that constantly misunderstands them.

What People See vs. What I Know

What they see:

• I gave my child a separate meal.

• I let them wear headphones at dinner.

• I don’t force eye contact.

• I let them walk away during an argument.

• I skipped the birthday party.

• I let them stim freely.

 What I see:

• A child with ARFID who’s trying to nourish their body without fear.

• A child protecting their nervous system from sensory overload.

• A child showing me trust by engaging how they feel safe.

• A child regulating before reacting.

• A child avoiding emotional shutdown.

• A child finally feeling safe enough to be themselves.

What they call “giving in” is actually me leaning in.

What Is Accommodation, Really?

To accommodate someone is not to spoil them.It’s not to remove every challenge. It’s to recognize a barrier and say:

“I see that this is hard for you. Let’s figure out how to make it work differently—so you can still succeed.”

Accommodation is:

• Giving someone glasses so they can read the same words as everyone else

• Providing a ramp instead of saying, “Try harder to walk up the stairs”

• Using visuals, timers, and task breakdowns for an ADHD brain that doesn’t process time normally

• Offering quiet space, movement breaks, or fidget tools to help regulate an overwhelmed child

It’s not cheating. It’s not bypassing life skills. It’s building scaffolding so those life skills can actually stick.

Why “Tough Love” Doesn’t Work on a Dysregulated Brain

Traditional parenting styles often rely on compliance, punishment, or power dynamics:

• “Do it or there will be consequences.”

• “You don’t get rewarded for bad behavior.”

• “You have to learn the hard way.”

But for neurodivergent kids, this approach doesn’t teach responsibility. It teaches:

• Shame

• Shutdown

• That their needs are too much

• That they’re broken

Accommodating doesn’t mean removing accountability. It means adjusting the approach to make the lesson actually accessible.

In Schools and Workplaces, This Shows Up Too

You’ve seen it:

“They get extra time on the test?”

“Why do they get to work from home?”

“Why can’t they just do it like everyone else?”

The underlying assumption is that accommodation is unfair. That it’s “too easy.” That it gives someone an advantage.

But here’s the truth: equity isn’t sameness.

Accommodating means recognizing that the playing field is not level, and meeting someone where they are so they have a fair shot at success.

Because doing it the “normal” way doesn’t work for all brains. And when we refuse to bend, we don’t build strength—we break people.

Accommodating Is Not Avoiding—It’s Supporting

What accommodation is not:

• Letting your child control everything

• Avoiding discomfort at all costs

• Removing all responsibility

• Saying “yes” to everything

What it is:

• Tuning in to why something is hard

• Adjusting the how, not lowering the expectation

• Providing tools, not shortcuts

• Meeting your child with empathy, not dominance

And Let’s Be Real: It’s Not Easy

Accommodating isn’t the easy way out. It’s the harder, quieter, less celebrated path.

It takes more:

• Time

• Creativity

• Regulation

• Trial and error

• Judgment from others

But it also builds more:

• Trust

• Safety

• Confidence

• Connection

• Long-term success

Final Thought: What Looks Like “Bratty” Is Often a Cry for Support

So if you see me parenting in a way that looks “soft” or “too flexible”—please know this:

I’m not giving my child everything they want. I’m giving them what they need to survive in a world that already asks them to mask, shrink, and struggle more than it ever should.

Accommodating isn’t about weakness.It’s about respect. And if we want our children to grow into capable, compassionate, self-aware adults—we start by meeting them where they are, not dragging them where we think they should be.